The Hidden Cost of Being “Nice”: Why People-Pleasing Isn’t Helping Your Career or Relationships

We’re taught early on that being helpful, flexible, and agreeable is the right way to earn belonging. Especially for women and folks socialized to care for others, people-pleasing can feel like second nature. But what happens when that instinct to keep everyone happy starts costing you?

In my work with high-functioning professionals—especially those in fast-paced industries like events, tech, and client services—people-pleasing isn’t about weakness. It’s a survival strategy. A way to reduce risk, maintain harmony, and avoid the discomfort of disappointing others.

But here’s the reality: What starts as a strength can become a cage.

What Is People-Pleasing, Really?

People-pleasing isn’t just saying “yes” a lot. It’s a nervous system response—often rooted in early experiences—where you abandon your own needs to keep connection or avoid conflict. It shows up in subtle ways:

• Saying “I’m fine” when you’re not

• Rewriting emails 10 times to sound “less direct”

• Apologizing for things that aren’t your responsibility

• Being the go-to emotional support person… even when you're depleted

It often feels easier in the moment. But over time, the cost adds up: burnout, resentment, decision fatigue, and a weakened sense of self.

A Shift That Starts With Awareness

The good news? You don’t have to make some grand declaration or start setting fire to your relationships. Breaking the habit of people-pleasing can begin quietly, with small, thoughtful shifts.

Here are three tools I teach in my workshops and coaching sessions:

1. The Pause + Check-In

Before you say yes to something—or default to “sure, no problem”—pause. Even just 10 seconds. Then ask:

What do I actually want right now?

It’s okay if the answer is, “I don’t know yet.” That’s data too. The goal is to reconnect with your own internal signals before making a people-pleasing move out of habit.

2. The “Let Them” Principle (from Mel Robbins)

Someone’s disappointed you set a boundary? Let them.
Someone’s confused that you didn’t respond right away? Let them.

You’re not responsible for managing other people’s reactions. Practicing this can feel uncomfortable at first —but it’s also incredibly liberating. The more tolerance you build for discomfort, the more authentic your choices become.

3. Rewriting the Narrative

Often, people-pleasing stems from outdated beliefs like:

• “If I say no, I’ll let people down.”

• “If I take up space, I’ll seem selfish.”

• “If I don’t fix it, no one will.”

Once we identify these stories, we can rewrite them into something more empowering, like:

• “Respecting my limits builds trust.”

• “It’s okay to need time, space, and rest.”

• “I can support others without abandoning myself.”

This is the heart of the work: reclaiming your voice and rewriting your story from a place of grounded self-trust.

Why It Matters Now

We’re in a cultural moment that’s asking for more authentic leadership—not just performance. And that requires us to examine the habits that have kept us small, agreeable, and exhausted.

My 4-week course, Breaking the Habit of People Pleasing, is a space to do just that—together. We unpack the roots of people-pleasing, practice nervous system-aware boundary setting, and build habits that support your leadership and well-being.

But whether or not you join the course, I hope you’ll take this away:
You don’t have to earn your worth through constant giving.
You don’t have to soften your brilliance to make others comfortable.
And you’re allowed to take up space—without apology.

📍Want to go deeper? Robynne’s self-paced online course and weeklu group coaching calls on Breaking the Habit of People Pleasing begins soon. Get the details here

#RobynneWeaverCoaching #BreakingTheHabitOfPeoplePleasing

When It Feels Like Your Situation is Causing the Way You Feel

When we find ourselves in challenging situations, it can feel like the situation is causing us to feel terrible. 

Conversely, when we find ourselves in positive situations, it can seem like that is causing us to feel wonderful.

But the truth is, two people can be in the exact same situation and feel entirely different emotions. Why is this? 

It’s because the situation itself doesn’t have the power to cause our feelings, only our thoughts can do that. 

So say a company is laying off a percentage of their workforce. Jim gets the lay off notice and he thinks, “I got laid off today, this is horrible. How am I going to pay my bills? I don’t even know how to start looking for a new job. After everything I have done for this company, this is how they treat me!?”

Meanwhile, his colleague Sarah down the hall is thinking, “The timing of this lay off is perfect for me. I really need time for a reset. Going on unemployment for a bit will allow me to reconnect with myself and discover what it is I really want to do next.” 

Your situation cannot cause your feelings. It’s your internal dialogue, your thoughts about the situation, that are creating the feelings you experience.

This is so simple, we know it logically yet it’s easy to forget. Clearly if our thoughts are causing our emotions, we can just choose better thoughts. But, how often does a negative thought pop into our mind that we just accept as fact? 

It happens to me ALL the time. Luckily, I am a questioner and I have gotten in the habit of investigating my thoughts religiously. 

Here are some questions you might like to ask yourself if you’re having a thought that’s causing you to have a negative emotion, or is leading your thinking into a spiral: 

What am I making this situation mean?

• How do I know this thought is really true? 

• Who would I be without this thought? How would I treat myself and others?

• Is this thought building a case for or against me?

• Where is this thought coming from? Is this truly mine, or is this part of my social/cultural conditioning?

• Is there a “should” attached to this thought? If so, is this “should” an indication of how I think others are expecting me to react or behave? 

• Is there fear behind this thought? If so, what is it that I am really afraid of? 

It’s important not just to thought-swap (immediately choosing a positive thought over a negative one) but to really feel and process the deeper layers that are underlying the thought. If fear comes up, sit with that fear. If pain or the desire to avoid comes up, sit with that too. 

The more you can learn to feel what comes up and drop resistance to the thought, the more easily you can process your emotions and choose new thoughts you really believe in. 

When your thoughts change, your emotions follow. We act most consistently from our emotions, and our actions or inactions are ultimately what create our results. 

So yes, if you’re looking around at your results, and you’re not happy with what you see, you’ll know what you need to do: start excavating your thoughts. 

If you’d like help digging into your limiting thoughts and beliefs, you can book a complimentary coaching consultation with Robynne.

Embracing the Gifts of Deep Rest and Celebration this Season

The winter months can offer us a unique opportunity for deep rest and celebration. Embracing this seasonal & cultural rhythm can have a profound impact on our overall well-being and creativity.

Here’s 5 gifts of deep rest & celebration during winter:

1. Deeper Sleep & Coziness: the dark and cold nights of winter invite us to slow down and conserve energy. It offers a natural time for the body to restore itself after the busyness of the year, promoting recovery and rejuvenation. It’s a great time to cuddle up and embrace hygge (pronounced hyoo·guh), the Danish & Norwegian word that describes the cozy, contented mood evoked by comfort.

2. Slowing Down Fuels Creativity: When you slow down and allow room to take in new information, you open up space for creativity and new insights. When we have time to feel bored we tend to explore more and try new, “just for fun” things. Embracing a beginner’s mindset allows us to create from a place of joy and empowerment. This can encourage learning, daydreaming, and making joyful plans.

3. Introspection & Clarity: The quieter, darker days provide more time and space for introspection. It’s a time to turn inward and reflect on personal goals and values. This can help you to reset your intentions and set the stage for exciting beginnings in the new year.
   
   

4. Deeper Connections & Celebration: Winter months are a time when we seek out community and companionship. We take time to gather and celebrate with friends and loved ones and to be present in each others’ stories. We enjoy the nostalgia of old holiday movies, music, and cultural traditions. It’s also a time for strengthening new bonds and creating new traditions, if that feels nourishing.

5. Increased Emotional Resilience: Deep rest also means taking the time to be with and process our emotions. It’s a space for healing and processing unresolved feelings and stress. This can lead to reduced anxiety and increased emotional clarity so that in the coming year we can take empowered action in greater alignment with our goals.

If you’re starting to dream & scheme about making a change in the new year, I’d love to support you with a guided, actionable plan. Schedule a complimentary consultation here.