The Hidden Cost of Being “Nice”: Why People-Pleasing Isn’t Helping Your Career or Relationships

We’re taught early on that being helpful, flexible, and agreeable is the right way to earn belonging. Especially for women and folks socialized to care for others, people-pleasing can feel like second nature. But what happens when that instinct to keep everyone happy starts costing you?

In my work with high-functioning professionals—especially those in fast-paced industries like events, tech, and client services—people-pleasing isn’t about weakness. It’s a survival strategy. A way to reduce risk, maintain harmony, and avoid the discomfort of disappointing others.

But here’s the reality: What starts as a strength can become a cage.

What Is People-Pleasing, Really?

People-pleasing isn’t just saying “yes” a lot. It’s a nervous system response—often rooted in early experiences—where you abandon your own needs to keep connection or avoid conflict. It shows up in subtle ways:

• Saying “I’m fine” when you’re not

• Rewriting emails 10 times to sound “less direct”

• Apologizing for things that aren’t your responsibility

• Being the go-to emotional support person… even when you're depleted

It often feels easier in the moment. But over time, the cost adds up: burnout, resentment, decision fatigue, and a weakened sense of self.

A Shift That Starts With Awareness

The good news? You don’t have to make some grand declaration or start setting fire to your relationships. Breaking the habit of people-pleasing can begin quietly, with small, thoughtful shifts.

Here are three tools I teach in my workshops and coaching sessions:

1. The Pause + Check-In

Before you say yes to something—or default to “sure, no problem”—pause. Even just 10 seconds. Then ask:

What do I actually want right now?

It’s okay if the answer is, “I don’t know yet.” That’s data too. The goal is to reconnect with your own internal signals before making a people-pleasing move out of habit.

2. The “Let Them” Principle (from Mel Robbins)

Someone’s disappointed you set a boundary? Let them.
Someone’s confused that you didn’t respond right away? Let them.

You’re not responsible for managing other people’s reactions. Practicing this can feel uncomfortable at first —but it’s also incredibly liberating. The more tolerance you build for discomfort, the more authentic your choices become.

3. Rewriting the Narrative

Often, people-pleasing stems from outdated beliefs like:

• “If I say no, I’ll let people down.”

• “If I take up space, I’ll seem selfish.”

• “If I don’t fix it, no one will.”

Once we identify these stories, we can rewrite them into something more empowering, like:

• “Respecting my limits builds trust.”

• “It’s okay to need time, space, and rest.”

• “I can support others without abandoning myself.”

This is the heart of the work: reclaiming your voice and rewriting your story from a place of grounded self-trust.

Why It Matters Now

We’re in a cultural moment that’s asking for more authentic leadership—not just performance. And that requires us to examine the habits that have kept us small, agreeable, and exhausted.

My 4-week course, Breaking the Habit of People Pleasing, is a space to do just that—together. We unpack the roots of people-pleasing, practice nervous system-aware boundary setting, and build habits that support your leadership and well-being.

But whether or not you join the course, I hope you’ll take this away:
You don’t have to earn your worth through constant giving.
You don’t have to soften your brilliance to make others comfortable.
And you’re allowed to take up space—without apology.

📍Want to go deeper? Robynne’s self-paced online course and weeklu group coaching calls on Breaking the Habit of People Pleasing begins soon. Get the details here

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